


Cigs & Loops

by Moonpeach



Category: Oxenfree
Genre: A replay of events; lots of looping; a lot of scared kids and an uncertain future, Drinking, Emotional Baggage, Everybody's got baggage, Gen, Ghosts and Static radio receptions, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Psychological Trauma, Some ships implied later, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 07:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7748044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonpeach/pseuds/Moonpeach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Take it easy, he will tell himself again and again. </p><p>Take it easy.</p><p>This is just natural things, so he should relax.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cigs & Loops

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SkipSwings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkipSwings/gifts).



> A small gift.

Ren plans a rager sometime ago on an island that’s been long dwelling in rotten histories and old age across a mass of sand and aching seas. 

It’s the kinda place most don’t visit unless they want to endure the estranged talks of ghost stories and eerie places full of several sites hinted in areas around the place secured as a old tourist attraction for Historical buffs that get lost in it’s telling secrets. Not exactly a place meant for wild parties or fun times on a beach, or the ever average things kids his age only care about. 

He planned it a month ago when there was more than enough people on his mental roster to roundabout, persuade and grab on board. They do this every year, nothing changes, nothing gets too out of hand except when kids are pilfering beverages, except when kids are out for fights and out for snorting bizarre drugs under the moonlight, except when there’s more chaos brought on than there is when it’s just five of them and not twenty and he’s not trying to control a crowd better than he can handle a shindig of maybe six people. 

It’s the end of the year, they’re close to graduating and getting out of hell and who doesn’t love a good party to burn off the stress of what’s to come later. It’s a good idea and he’s been saving up this special moment for a while. 

 

Convincing friends is easy, Alex was the first to go, naturally she of course would want to come, than it was Nona who under some arrangement decides for it but comes earlier than expected with a friend in tow, Clarissa off to the island themselves. He had others but he wasn’t sure if they were going for sure, maybe they would come later. But what surprises him is this-

Alex’s step brother -Jonas, gets taken along for the ride. 

He’s never really known much about Jonas, only that the guy is particularly quiet and doesn’t really addressed attention much to himself even when in the presence of other people, and of the fact that he’s Alex’s new brother. A new one only just after a year. The soft mahogany of his beanie lighting up in swirls of blue and red from the lighting of an connivence store. He doesn’t seem at all pleased about the earliest of the hour, but Ren’s not paying much attention to the expression. More or less seemingly watching the way he leans over their borrowed car while Alex paces. 

“ We’re meeting who again?” 

And Ren would go on to explain the issue of Allision, his sister who owes him big for something a little ways too awful about a lawnmower accident he hasn’t told a single soul to since the summer. It seems to appease whatever kinda moody input the boy would have offered. It’s for the booze, he reminds himself.  
But then it’s clear the booze bump off is a waste, and Allison isn’t really coming so they’re turning in late when the ferry ride comes. 

As disappointment runs off his shoulders, the fair smell of sea salt and corroded brig brings the smile back. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s 8:00pm when waves are crashing over grey metal and the sun’s shooting corners from across the sea’s open frame when Ren is discussing the histories behind their destination. 

The others don’t look as enthused, but at least Alex is putting in the effort of acting like it’s interesting. Even if it’s not by a lot. The topic is thrown across the board- Jonas being a step brother must be so exciting and new, even if the it’s all at once hitting them all in the back and Alex seems to be the only one really pointing it out with conjecture, ( he can remember Jonas, really saying nothing, laughs at a odd thing Alex says,and then it’s quiet, quiet, quiet over the rushing waves and Ren doesn’t know how to fix all that open silence without a question. But the question begs itself like-)

They make it there and for reasons unexplained Ren is happy to be off the boat, onto land and ready to grab himself a cold one before the coming of the night’s plans take action. He’s so into it, that his mouth babbles at a quarter of a second getting off, legs kicking in, Alex is ways behind but he doesn’t bother to look back and-

Jonas is taking a pack out of his pocket, he’s offering something but Ren is too fixed with getting somewhere else to really care about a cancer stick. Not that he smokes or anything but it’s just ridiculously convenient of him to bring up clean air the second Joe is pulling a cig out like he didn’t just hear him and Alex gets offered the same but declines. 

It’s seconds of _“I don’t mean to be that guy”_ , it’s _“can you do me a favor”_ , and Alex is already dreading a weird session of a conversation happening here even if it’s not as bad as she thinks. It’s _this could have waited anytime_ coming from the mouth of Ren, it’s the offer of it being just two quick minutes and Ren would argue not wanting to be alone, but then Alex decides it better to hear Jonas out and Ren is stuck with walking the hill awaiting their presence again so they can move on. 

It’s hidden in reminders in his head, it’s just a party, things will be fine. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It’s 9:00pm when he thinks things will be fine.  
Somehow the night just doesn’t know how to keep that concept clean. 

At first it seems fine, they meet up with Nona and Clarissa, two of which only one Ren holds interest in and the other just more.. He doesn’t really think he has a word for Clarissa, but his definition of the “friendship” as it goes varies in several ways. 

There’s a offhand comment about the lack of “other people.” Something in the way of Clarissa’s tone hides hard lines of distaste, like the company they have now isn’t well fitted for her partying needs. And then nothing at all but the vindictive attitude in Clarissa's voice when the step-brother- _”Stepbrother?”_ is introduced and it's all as clear as day to Ren that this night is just not going along the same ways as his little thoughts of fireworks and cold beer, and warm smiles, and happiness than what he was told on for. 

They make to the beach, and Ren is already stretching out like a cat in the sand, spreading a smile across his face like the last few conversations weren’t terrible and full of awkward sentences. The sea and sand at peace when Jonas throws a question for activities. ( Something about Maggie Adler, something about being dead, a house left behind, and there’s an odd shiver coming over Alex when she’s throwing rocks into the ocean, and something about the murky look in Clarissa’s eyes, unseen, portentous…) 

But it’s decided unanimously that a game of Truth or Slap should be started. As inauguration Ren thinks, it’s good for the newest addition to the group; and it would have been good had things not taken such a sordid turn of events. 

It starts with a knowing look in her eyes, the one Ren knows is gonna start the trouble. _It’s “come on fess up you wanna get with Nona right?”_ and a pause, it’s Nona looking like she’s about to crash her head into her hands, hiding embarrassment, it’s Ren standing stock still over a space away from the bonfire, wide eyed, it’s _“C’mon give the guy a break!”_ , It’s _“no way I wanna hear this.”_ and Ren is- Ren is-. 

He has no words, he does not know how to go about it, but he knows how to diffuse the question, knows how to break it apart with his own hands and make it seem like it’s not a real thing, make it seem like he has no real feelings, and everyone’s waiting, everyone’s looking, save for one but he’s- 

“ No! I just… I just like her as a friend, just a friend that’s it..” stammering out, he feels a rock climb down his throat. Anymore and he would have lost his voice, lost his thinking because _was that good enough?_ and _did she buy it? _is all his mind runs around till Clarissa is backing off and Nona doesn’t look as anxious as she did just moments before.__

Somehow that doesn’t deter worst ways of getting information out of the unwilling, the oblivious;and Alex is the next target on the list. 

It’s a topic of personal issues, the kind that no one here should be asking, and it’s something about parents and divorce; something about Michael and Jonas kinda wants it to stop but Clarissa is acting like the limits of boundaries to be pushed here are nonexistent and the clear look of discomfort shines crystal in all of them and suddenly Alex is angry, and Clarissa is getting angry, and it’s Ren looking both ways and hopping into the rising fire for a consultation peacekeeper. But nothing’s working, and he’s suddenly looking offhandedly to Jonas like-- 

_( It’s like the pause of silence back on the boat, where his eyes are wearily looking towards Jonas every second that Alex talks, where he’s not sure he should be looking on that much, where he feels like he should avert his eyes, did avert his eyes and the sun's rolling down so deep in the ocean’s weight that he doesn’t have another solid thing to talk about, and it’s weird and but thank god for Alex saying something else, because if not for her…)_

The game ends on a sour note, and they’re all walking in different directions to blow off whatever kind of hurricane just rammed in; leaving behind the flaring mess that is Alex storming off and Clarissa sitting down on a towel heated with a spite in her eyes that shouldn't make Ren feel like he fucked up somehow by not saying something quick enough. 

___ _

They are making ways for the cave when a conversation starts up again, things about noises and radio signals and odd lights being seen from inside the mouth of the cave stirs a mixture of interest among the trio. He thinks, somewhere in his brain, however against the situation it’s calls for, rewards himself of a snack break, by which he spies the discomfort in Jonas’s eyes, like the guy wants to say- _Dude come on, No,_ and Alex simply lets him be with a crooked smile, too faint to see in the shadows. 

She’s especially good with the radio, her fingers tapping over and twisting a knob while it hums a rhythm of frequencies and droll static that reclines to Ren as a soft beat rolling off the tips of his tongue and shoulders and whatever else is helping mellow out the mood for him as they go.The wonder lost in everyone’s eyes when the calm dies down and the rupture of something foreign catches wind. 

There’s a light, and a sound, too ominous, too alien for Ren to really comprehend it as anything but; and it’s the food he’s just ingested starting to not sit well in his stomach as it goes. 

It’s the awe unbinding look that crosses Jonas’s face when he swears he spies something further down, _It’s “I wanna go see”_ , it’s weary looks and a _“maybe we shouldn’t.”_ , it’s Jonas taking off in a moiety run ,chasing after each other into the cave and Ren tethers himself to the safety of the sandy floor, like there’s isn’t much to worry about. And maybe he should have said something, should have stopped them, should have went along with the crowd. But-- but-- 

Then the world goes all technicolor fucking wild; and Ren’s hit with a light show too bright and too out of place for something as menial as a cave. It explodes with something tuning into his brain that yelps red flags and raucous alarms, and- _GET UP DUMMY GET UP!_ But he can’t get up in time to remove himself of the sand and the tedious thoughts and there’s too much static, too much static, too much, and Ren is- he is-- 

There is so much going on  
And then there is nothing. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s 11pm when things make a little less sense after that. 

What it is starts with pounding headaches and something like a weird capital-w weird like a sundry chorus of voices replaying things he’d rather not reminisce on,and things that don’t really sound right; 

like how some voices sound like Alex, and how some voices talk in a tone that’s matched with the same congruent attitude his sister had that same fateful day after the lawnmower accident when there was pleading, and high motions of frantic twitches in her fingers that made sense and she really didn’t want that incident to let go anytime soon, and a deal was made, and then it all just stops. 

He’s clear of two things when he comes to, one of which is the obvious location swap that’s centered him in an area-more like a building of some kind; that in his befuddled mess of a mind right now can't decipher what exactly. But he knows essentially that this is not the beach, and he’s not sitting outside a cave waiting for friends to come back from their silly adventures, and he’s not as high as he was before hand, and what time is it? Where is this? 

It’s several searches of sorting through old papers and corroded machines before he’s got a code in his hand, a phone a little ways from his other, and starts to dial. Because there’s gotta be help out here somewhere,there’s gotta be a way out, because that light up in the tower he saw seconds before he found the code has to be help or an adult, or just a real explanation for this, any of this, really or … or.. 

It’s not help but it’s something close, and hearing Alex’s voice somehow undoes the clogging of acid settling in his chest, shaky hands holding the phone together in one piece while his mouth runs. 

It’s several seconds of _“can you get me out of here”_ , and several minutes of Alex switching in and out between phone calls like she’s working an office line, and Ren swears his head is acting up again when he rambles on about the whereabouts of his place, sees something swivel out of sight of his vision and kinda breaks a sweat closer to a panic. It’s _hurry up please_ , it’s _why are you taking so long?_ , it’s _please come get me right now or I’ll die out here, and haunt your asses straight from the grave._

And then things just get more and more weirder as the hour carries on, the splitting headache itself becomes something more unreal like at all once his head itself will explode from the sheer mass of it; and fingernails would-could shoot out of his fingers if he really gave it anymore thought. _( Like spiders crawling under the skin, his mouth twitching in uneven ways, heavy intrusive thoughts like biding time to cutting himself wide open in the middle of the forest, banging his head against walls, something along lines of letting them in, something about dolls and he wants to scream, and scratch himself, and--)_

Alex is here, with Jonas when he least thinks they wouldn’t show up; it’s like Christmas morning for a kid just waking up when they walk through the door and Ren has never found much better peace than this. 

But it’s like the present under the tree itself is wrapped in a staticky icky black gloop, and suddenly he’s not able to speak as well rounded of sentences as he used to, the process of something churning odd ways in his gut like a ill weight of a disgorge coming on, and it’s like--

_( Static, lots and lots of static and a feeling of being here all before, and doing this all before much like -Deja vu??? Except it’s not the same this time, except he’s not the same; but the others are in their respective places again, and they’re saying the same things as they did just moments-or was it minutes ago before, and he feels like he’s one-two steps away from falling under, into the cracks of the ground below. His mind a warping haze of white noise and bright lights, and fireworks. Someone is talking, someone is speaking in his voice; he doesn’t feel like he’s actually there and--)_

It’s not him, it’s someone---something else, and it feels wrong. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s like a burst of lava scorching the insides of his throat, it’s bright lights and odd voices and staticky buzzes carrying on about the name- her name- _that name_ , Maggie Adler and then black. 

He sees nothing but the reds and the blues, nothing in bright greens and orange. He dreams about being underwater, somehow drowning while the water douses the flames from the inside out, frantic, scrambling for air. but it’s all around him and he’s so lost in boundless seas that take control, seize him downward into caverns of blue and purple. The voices are shrill, relentless, and then Ren screams as loud as the browns in his eyes turn red and he’s--

He’s back, and there’s those same familiar faces swarming both sides, like they’re worried he’s snapped for a second before returning to normal. 

And Ren is carefully punctuating out his awareness to time, like it hasn’t been over two hours, like he hasn’t just been fluctuating in and out of consciousness for ten minutes and somehow there needs to be a good explanation for this because, whatever this is, whatever kinda twisted fucked up thing this is, he’s hoping the solution to it involves a boat and a kick outta dodge from this hellhole. 

But they do tell him there’s a plan,albeit the first part sounds a bit laughable because-- _Ghosts?_ And Clarissa is still stuck in Fort Milner somewhere over yonder, so the plan gets split and he’s making ways for the tower. At least there he has time to calm down and recess into over the trauma. 

Nona doesn’t look all that happy to see him back empty handed, she’s a mess by the communicator, a first thing he notices when entering in. 

_( and there’s something eerily familiar about the look on her face, something in the way her hands scrambles at nothing like she’s waving away flies and looking downwards._

it’s the odd fixture of staring off into space and giving Ren the stink-eye from afar, and somehow Ren feels like copying her instinct, falling behind with a weary laugh and twitchy fingers, and jaded unyielding looks that don’t stop, don’t pull away from dewey trainwreck of a girl trying to regain a mass sense of control over herself, her mind, her surroundings and-- ) 

He feels a little less stable somehow, watching this unfold. 

Pulling a snack out of his bag to distill whatever kind of intrusive feeling it is eating away at the skin, wanting him to tear it all apart. His mind quiet while the world around him softens up in colors of pink and grey.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s 2am when he realizes that second brownie is just the catalyst of tonight’s long awaited error. 

Somehow, at some ill unadvised time in the hour that they waited on baited breath for the return of the siblings, the return of a redhead in tow.

He’s forgotten that there’s more lives at stake here than just himself, and that there’s more going on around him than he should be more aware of, but the moment just struck him as a fuck this- and I handle just one measly little break, because for shit’s sakes, this place and everything about it, is pulling him by the threads so hey! What’s a little pursuit of happiness going to spoil for just one night of traumatic events? 

But then the siblings come back, _( And Ren is happy, Ren is skipping on butterflies and flying dolphins riding on clouds, and they all look shaken up and frail, like the night’s just been dragging them through the mud and soot and bad encounters so Ren shuts up through half of it)_

They haven’t found Clarissa yet, the point is- gathered back to Ren, point being that they have no plan just yet for getting out, but he has something, he’s got something, and it’s been brewing up since the last half hour sitting under a haze of soft pillows and blank stares. 

Maggie is the key, she’s their way out of this hellhole, and he knows it, everyone else seems to follow along with it, but Jonas-- Jonas…

Jonas, Ren remembers him as the guy, always particularly quiet, always never addressing much attention to himself, coming towards him with a fire in his eyes and a spit of words that make Ren falter back, stumble back and he feels like a goddamned idiot because half the things they’re saying falls right under what example he’s setting for, and Ren doesn’t really know where all this half baked anger is coming from but it’s-

It starts with insults, and starts with getting in each other faces, pushing each other back like they’re all six again, and then there’s that loud voice toppling over other in the fray of argument. It’s _“c,mon I’m not a burnout”_ , it’s the tone in Jonas’ voice that grates like gravel; angry eyes squinting under the bulb of a yellow light, it’s _“ this is completely your fault_ , it’s _NO THIS IS YOUR FAULT,”_ it’s Ren threading deep on several words he wish he hadn’t said. 

It’s Alex who cuts the fires, comes in between, It’s Nona standing off to the sidelines quiet,quiet, quiet, it’s Ren getting angry over nothing and Jonas getting angry over his stupid decisions, and it’s -it’s…

It doesn’t matter, it clearly doesn’t matter. 

Because he’s the one left alone with the big idiot- the one who couldn’t shut his mouth while Alex is taking Nona’s hand, driving herself away from the once fuming mess that was just two Six year---No. Seventeen year old kids who don’t know how to handle their own anger. 

And he’s the fucking idiot once again, because he always had that temper, the kind that his therapist would input are really a “negative reinforcement” towards his general state of mind. Never really could hold back where else his brain catapults him from happy to raging like emotions just roll off of him in the flash of a light and it’s repeated, repeated, repeated, till that little voice in his head is going, maybe it’s time to sit down and chill out when it gets to be too much, too much and he’s--

He’s ready to quit, standing out with his body hanging between bars,a somber look and a pacing thought of regret and biles of misguided anger threading the needle in his chest. Sometime later Jonas joins him out on the balcony. Staring out below like he doesn’t have a damn thing to say to the other even though moment’s on, Ren has but a thousand different things he has to say for himself. 

And it’s minutes of nothing in between them.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonas is going through his second cigarette of the night when Ren asks,

" Are you really having a smoke right now?"

And it's heading ways towards another long hour of this- awkward berth of silence between them for the third consecutive time around. Ren thinks it's just because the boy is still angry, and because he isn't really contributing to adding anything nice for a forward conversation besides the constant stares and the biting of his lips pressuring him from getting anymore near them than just a few inches away.

Now, he's not coming any closer than this, Jonas is already halfway through a light and the first casual stroke of his mouth taking hits when Ren is attending to the watch on his wrist, Little cartoon cat hands pointing ends at a 2 and 9. A little ways near 3 in the morning.

" Yeah I am", Jonas finally inputs, " Is that a problem?"

Ren wants to say yes, but it feels like enough has been said already, and given the situation, there are more important things to complain about than a cancer stick’s smog fogging up his chest and thoughts. There's enough going on around here to land them all in therapy if they're lucky to survive the night. 

“ No, just.. Try not to get all in my space okay?” 

That earns him a quick glance from the other side, but nothing really else, and Jonas goes back. 

Whatever this is supposed to be, whether it’s just punishment for never saying anything at all- or rather not saying the right words, and letting everything around them combust into flames under stress, Ren thinks it’s not fair.

This wasn’t at all how things how still were supposed to go, it was supposed to be a happy fun time- extravagant experience on the beach kinda of rager that would light them up for a night of drunken fatuity and awful decisions. Where they would leave feeling satisfied and ready for the journey up ahead of them involving college and adulthood that’s ringing bells at them right around the corner. 

Not dealing with the trauma of having faced something they don’t understand.  
Not having to deal with whether this was real or whether that was real and having a hard time figuring out reality when things starts looping, and they start losing time. 

Not leaving this island feeling like their bodies have been drained of all energy to survive another conflict, another fight, another goddamned loop, another first-second-third try around the same things, and everybody’s saying the same stuff, and Ren’s losing time, and he’s getting that splitting headache again, and things still don’t make sense, and nothing makes sense and--

 

_( It all loops back to that time on the boat, where his eyes have wandered a pattern over Jonas every second they were there for. The sun’s gone and he’s not being careful with his phone when it slips, and it slips near the the bench on the other side, cursing himself because it’s just plain clumsy, and Alex is saying something about a book but he’s---)_

“ Aren’t you worried about your sister?” Ren forces out, he’s got a hand to the steel bar holding the railing when he looks to Jonas again, this time without averting for a direct distraction because he’s genuinely a little curious. And Jonas looks so surprised by the question, the smoke clouding visions of scrutiny under the gaze of his beanie cap falling on eyes too dark. 

“ What?” 

“ I said, aren’t you worried about her? What’s with you know, what’s going on. Think she's okay?” 

It’s not much, but the expression paints the confusion lightly, “ The heck kinda question is that?”  
He says, his fingers pull the cigarette out slowly, tapping ashes. “ Of course I am..why wouldn't I be?” 

And he’s not wrong, the question was pretty obvious; for the brother at the very least looking out. And Ren feels like he’s not reading into much of what’s coming out right anymore, and he’s not paying attention to any of the cues happening here, cause it’s fairly certain at least to some extent, that a conversation is just not going to happen here.

but he’s trying to force it in because damn it- they need something, he needs a little of something to distract himself from all of this. The silence is so deafening, he swears at any moment it’ll choke him to death, so if Jonas could just get that fucking stick out of his---no, no wait a minute.

That’s not right, that’s not what Alex would want. 

He’s reverting back and forth from seventeen to six again and again like his mind doesn’t know how to stop argumentative thoughts for five seconds, and maybe they should calm down, calm it down a little bit more than just this. Refrain from it. That’s not going to help, that’s not going to get them out of this mess. 

“ I’m sorry..” He points out, and it’s almost toned down to a whisper, when he admits it. 

Jonas turns, “ What?” 

“ I said I’m sorry, for calling you all those things back there. I know that it was done in for your comment on me, and your own insults, but I was angry and went a little out of line over something as trivial as a you putting your concerns above anything else…” 

And somewhere it’s clicking into his brain where everything about that sentence, sounds just about right, even if he’s thinking of redoing it again just to repeat it twice like his apology isn’t enough. And frankly it’s probably not, who’s he’s really fooling here? 

But it’s a start, and maybe it’ll douse the air of all this residing silence for the past ten minutes they’ve been standing here for. they could use this quick time to warm up but Jonas looks like he’s unsure of what to say. 

To which Ren thinks- _oh man he’s not gonna do it._ To which he thinks _fine we don’t have to talk_ , to which he thinks _well that’s just fantastic;_ you waste a good enough-semi good enough apology on him, and he doesn’t say nothing. And mind it if he will, that stunned look don’t count for nothing if the next words out of his mouth aren’t a - _”yeah I’m sorry too_ , and a- _” It’s okay Ren, it’s done.”_

And for a moment he gets nothing, and it’s all settling in on him like a lit match starting up in his throat. Okay fine I get it. 

But then Jonas wakes up from wherever kinda la-la land he froze himself into, to blink, stare on and say “ It’s fine, I know you were angry when you said it. I was angry too, and I’m sorry as well..” 

Ren is pulling back from the railing, like all at once he shouldn’t find it so surprising to hear it like that, and kinda squints because was he just reading my mind? Or is this real?, and Jonas takes another big look at him. 

_( it’s like the same smile that Ren remembers seeing on the boat, before the picture was taken, before calling for Alex, and then something brushes his hand with a nerve so brash he actually flinches. Jonas is pulling back from his side, concern pooling in. “ Sorry..” and Ren just.. He has no words because whatever it was about has disintegrates back to--)_

He has no idea what they’re smiling about. But it fades just as quick as he spies it, faintly like a ghost. “ You look like you don’t believe me..” 

Ren shakes, “ No I do, it’s just I expected something else really. Like I didn’t think you would say something before me, or if I would had to go ahead and say something before you, I mean no offense but full offense, you looked like you didn’t want to say anything to me. “ 

And there’s a pause, a brief moment of thought left forward in the air while Ren waits. It’s all he’s been doing since the beach party, since the cave; there’s never been a stop for the waiting, like a running gag he thinks. _I’ll just keep waiting till the world ends._

“ I wasn’t for a little bit.” Jonas starts, the rest of his cigarette is dropped by his feet, stomping lightly. “ but then I changed my mind, We can’t exactly stay mad at each other forever over this. And it’s stupid to get caught up in things that shouldn’t matter. I didn’t say anything because I didn't really have a good enough apology going for me in my head. “ 

And somehow Ren going on with along with that statement, it rings a lot truth. He had nothing good coming to him either and that apology was the best that he could manage, albeit could have been rephrase better, could have said a few good extra words. But still. 

He wants to laugh it off,withdraw the unease off his face because wow! Way to dodge bullets, and somehow within a lot of overthinking and worrying over what to say and what to do from there, they’ve somehow manage to come back to the same response, like they’ve been reading each other’s minds and-- Ren is- Ren can’t help but laugh, because it’s so funny, it’s so ridiculous. 

Jonas blinks in confusion, but the creeping smile upon his face fastens slightly that Ren doesn’t care if he’s making a show anymore. He wants to laugh this off. Stress wise he needs it. “What’s so funny?” 

“ I...Nothing it’s nothing I swear.”

And it really isn’t anything to get mad about, they end it on a fair note, and Ren’s finding a place next to Jonas that isn’t so bad or hogging smoky air when he settles in, and they talk. 

They talk till it’s eleven minutes past three, talk until there’s creepy radio signals beeping over the consoles and telephones inside the station. Talk about their family lives and who they really are as people. Because Ren thinks his idea of Jonas is dray and matted, all mushed together in the form of rumors and bad allegations to which Jonas is happily retelling it over with a vast awareness of the most spoken assumptions he’s heard thus far. 

Ren thinks it’s a good kinda nice compare of all the things he’s had to endure- the good kinda nice that will settle with him however long this night carries them all out into the barren fray.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They’re one step closer to saving the world. One step closer to escaping. 

Its several more minutes of searching a house, _Alder- Bless her somber heart_ , and Ren’s kinda slacking behind a little bit because of the fatigue of the hour and the way everything in these rooms are so… so warpy? Almost like they’re not real, almost like he’s hallucinating, but without all the the unique colors, and soft spells that make the world look ooey gooey, and suddenly that splitting headache is coming back on with a vengeance. 

He hates the possessions, it’s not fun, it’s not good and, it’s not anything in between short of static and a sense of feeling yourself being forced underwater while your body heats up like a volcano, and there’s too many voices, too many names… 

It’s disappearing and reappearing at odd times, it’s the fuzzy cloud-like feeling of falling like the wind’s a weight to his shoulders and back and the sea is opening arms taking him in with a mouthful, it’s cries of Nona saying odd things and meaning nothing at all, but meaning things that have yet to happen and things that have not happened and- It’s _he drowned_ , or _he… fell.._ And-

He’s losing a lost more thought around the time when they do all meet at the shelter. Around the time when they gather up the last bits of their strength, and Alex has that grin on her face, however strained and murky; pulling them in with confidence, like the thoughts of dying aren’t crossing in her mind in the slightest bits. like whatever happens after those doors are opened they won’t forget a single detail of, like the words that he wants to say and want to fulfilled out in some form of a not -so goodbye-more so good luck type of phrase cuts deep off the tips of his tongue like watered down regret. And he’s not smiling much anymore than he was just moments before in a picture.

It’s grabbing Alex’s arm like this is still easy like when things were simple back in fifth grade, when it was just them, and nothing else. And Alex’s got that stringy look in her eyes, still as vibrant, still as fiery as the time when she and him were just kids and she’s got a chasm of determination running along the sides and cracks of her mouth when it’s said, _I’lll be okay. Things will be okay._

And Ren is nodding, back then and in real time, trying not to look like he’s a skip and a beat away from breaking out in tears, _Yeah I know you will._ And he has to keep reminding himself then and even now that, they’re not as little as they used to be, and this little excursion into a war for freedom could very much be her last, and this could very much their last conversation and---

Jonas is putting weight on his shoulders, he’s got the same look as Alex, and it’s still not as easy looking at him than it was looking at her. But it's a reassuring feeling he thinks, one that he feels like he wants to keep on him forever, even as Jonas let's go of him wearily aware of the dim waters rimming the eyes. but he’s cracking a smile himself, just as faint as the one Ren remembers in the tower. The one he laughed with just a few hours ago, like Jonas knows it himself, and isn't ready for the worst of what's to come either and it’s like a spiel of a realization catching up on Ren-- _Oh man this could be it for the both of them. This could be it for all of us._

It’s quiet smiles, and polaroid moments on a camera, It's soft hugs, and long distance stares into the unknown.  
it’s Ren wishing for the best and trying not to weather the worst. Lose a minute in between and the world’s nothing but shades of reds and greens.  
The vague figures of Alex and Jonas dispersing in ribbons.

 

And then it’s all going up in bright lights, and white noise.  
And then it’s nothing. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
And then it’s something like a pause of silence back on the boat, where his eyes are wearily looking towards Jonas every second that Alex talks,  
but this times things are different, and the sun’s rising up out the depths of the ocean’s weight crashing against the boat when he’s smiling again.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:**

> The second piece is the aftermath.


End file.
